Mental health

I was excusing myself from posting today, thinking I had nothing to give, until I read this mornings devotion from Proverbs 31 contributor, Melissa Taylor.




Her devotional today in my inbox was on comparing wrong thoughts vs God's thoughts.
Since I have already put some of the fights I have with negative thinking and the darkness that surrounds us I am choosing to add light to a sickness that Satan may have organized but God I feel will use someday to bring another into freedom.

First lie I didn't recognize or believe-
*Satan doesn't exist
OK...then who is the thief who does not come but to steal, and to kill and to destroy. John 10:10

I had just given birth, to this incredible child! She was even born on the same date as the one my Mother died on. A date I hated, but suddenly realized a release was given to me!!!!But did I thank God? Not really.

Every night during the final month of my pregnancy from 10 to midnight, Juli would kick like a pro soccer player inside me, I loved it! After she was born, she cried, and cried every night from 10 to midnight. Then I cried...we walked, we rocked, we used the washing machine, the bathroom sink running. For three months, this went on. No physical reason, no illness, but the Devil had my mind twisting and turning. I started to resent my husband. I ignored duties involving keeping up with financial tasks. When Juli finally began sleeping through the night then my attention went to myself! I started starving myself. Another poor choice! I focused so much attention to my looks. I was still not giving God anything.
Everyday became like Joyce Meyer likes to say... "all about me".
I resented my husband, his family, my family.
So if this wasn't enough, Satan then used my sister's cancer, my father and step-mother's increasing use of alcohol, and family dishevel to throw a lug wrench further into my slowly progressive abnormal thinking.
I lost the 50 pounds, got myself looking great before a class reunion, but I was so sick in my thinking that even my actions started changing.
I remember going to a hair salon and cutting all my long hair off to a short bob, just to get even with my husband. Guess what...I have no idea what for now!
I began having nightmares!
Thoughts of impending doom for my husband!
I thought I was on every one's mind, that this person and that knew a cure to help me!
I even ran away...guess where...to my husband's grandparents. I was talking so erratically that Grandma thought I must be pregnant again.
Within one week...I was hospitalized.
Who shows up, but this guy there, talking about owning and reading a Satanic bible...I physically flipped out! Restraints, padded room and all!
On the positive side...he didn't come near me again.
So...I leave...diagnosed bi-polar. Coming home, ashamed with none of my thinking addressed, on meds...I then slipped away into darkness. A sadness so intense, I cried for days, showered rarely...and finally turned to God.
I attended to Juli's daily needs, she was a cuddly year old...while she slept and I cried some more, I began asking God to just hold me. I pictured this "Father Time" like guy holding me tightly.
I was also given a wonderful British Psychiatrist, a wonderful cancer surviving therapist and Joe, my husband, who was thrown, tossed and punched by months of my insults and horrible actions.
Joe became "boot camp Joe".
The mutual decision was made to make me work, if I didn't get back into mainstream employment and a daily schedule then I needed further placement in the mental system.
Too ashamed to go back into partial care I took a job as a cafeteria worker in a local Jr. High.
I cried every morning on the phone to him after he left for work, pleading to let me quit.
Eventually, I also found a show, and a lady on TV, named Joyce Meyer...she wore red lipstick like my mother did and I found myself slowly adding her into my routine.
Crying, pouting, calling and watching religious TV!

My father eventually had to have an intervention...his alcoholism was actually killing him and was in danger of dying from liver failure.
I lost my beloved sister.
My step-mother was never the same and cancer took her life also.

So this is just an installment.
I'm not sure when part 2 will come.

I do know it will be more of God's beauty and joy.
It all started with a hug from a grey bearded man and a lady with red lipstick.