The Last Thing

The absolute last thing I would do today is sew!

Not when you have a rainy day and a persistent teen who doesn't take no for an answer.

Between reorganizing our "play room" (aka sun porch) which holds all our craft supplies, games,and remnants of days of kids playing school...then going through every bit of paper work, junk mail, not to mention laundry, a dentist appointment and shopping...this is the one heck of a run-on sentence...

I fixed my sewing machine!

The sewing machine that was beyond help.
The sewing machine that didn't even have a light, was missing a bobbin holder, the cord was frayed.

The light worked.
The cord was in perfect shape.
The bobbin holder was no where to be found...my little commando remembered seeing an old sewing machine in her grandparents upstairs and her mission was successful!

The end result...


Thankful...beyond words!!!!!

Remembering

It is raining.
A tad dreary for a summer day and I have three huge piles of clothes to transfer upstairs, yet my little one is still asleep. This is the first day she has slept in since returning from camp. She has many bruises and scrapes on her now 5'11" frame.
I am letting her sleep. Oh....to be a teenager and not have guilt from sleeping late. I'm happy to oblige this teenage luxury.

Hubby is visiting his parents next door, caught in this rain shower.
I found out this morning I am truly jealous of his body pillow. I awoke early around 7 AM and just watched him sleep. But to my surprise, I watched as he rolled over and physically put a bear hug on his pillow. Granted that pillow has helped him tremendously get a better nights sleep and snore less, but when I told him what I saw he laughed and said I was jealous. Speechless...I eventually agreed.

Hey, she is up!

Anyways...I must have subscribed to Beliefnet.com sometime back. Today in my inbox was "10 Inspiring Quotes for a Depressed Heart"

I usually don't opt in on much from that website, some content just doesn't agree with the me that is me today. But today, I enjoyed reading those quotes. Years back quotes like these made me even more depressed. I was so settled into a pattern of defeated thinking that it angered me to hear uplifting messages. Yet over the these past few years I see that messages of hope said to me years ago by family, mental health professionals, and those closest to me was truth. Early this morning, before hitting this e-mail, I was thinking back on a couple things that had a definite change in my heart and mind. Truly forming an attitude of gratitude, coincidentally one of the first books to begin a change in me and the methods I learned in the book "The Papa Prayer" by Crabb.

I haven't glanced at the second mentioned book in quite awhile but basically to me "PAPA" prayer time stays the same each day.

P-Present myself before the Lord...the Lord's Prayer helps me on days and nights when I am drained.

A-Acknowledge all the blessing and praise I can muster to Him. Telling God I know He is God...all-knowing...all-present!!!!

P-Praise...more lists of all I have to be thankful for. Sometimes I drift off to sleep after this part, I have come to realize that this is all that is asked of me.

A-Ask...ask for forgiveness, ask for others, then ask for myself.

Now this is pretty much my shortened and altered version of the book but isn't that what spending time with God is all about, making it personal. Taking seeds and planting.

Well this was a little seed of me today.
I once hated much, found joy in so little.
Depression is curable.
Never dismiss something that easily gives offense one day because someday it will make the most sense of all!


WooHooo!!!! The sun is out! The child is fed...I was up early and hit the store before anyone was awake...bought a couple pastries and fruit. She is happy!
Needs being met...not falling behind...got too much to be thankful for to dwell on our current financial situation!

Update:
hhh... I pulled "The Papa Prayer" by Larry Crabb from my shelf and I have altered his version quite.

Present
Attend
Purge
Approach

I must read this book again this summer...I have a feeling I will find something new!

Thankful for hard work!
Thankful for some unexpected bucks in our pocket today!

God uses dictionaries!

So...after a day of geocaching, then a full day of cleaning my basement, then a day of rain and shopping in preparation for our youngest's first trip away from home this weekend to volleyball camp...today I couldn't exactly get the physical fire going to tackle our cluttered attic.
Anyways, it's Thursday and this morning Lysa TerKeurst came up on one of my subscribed morning devotionals. Gossip and the junk that comes forth from us was the topic. She opened her daily devotional with Philippians 1:9. It worked.

Hubby is home, sleeping now after picket duty...we were up late playing board games and his early morning awakening at 5 AM has taken its' toll. So I felt the urge to stop my messing around from room to room and google the word melancholy. That led me to a whole list of words; pensive, optimistic, listless, quixotic and a few others to boot. The only one I didn't like was exanimate: meaning spiritless.

The succession of words up to that point had meaning. Ironically less than two hours after reading Lysa's devotional and her blog, something happened that usually sends our emotions flying in this household. But this time I didn't feel the offense or bitterness I usually feel. So to put this story in the short version: 1. All is well, we're disappointed but not troubled. 2. I had another reason to explain to my daughter the power of Holy Spirit. 3. This mood I am in led me to finding something in the Scripture.

Every Christmas I have this handmade plaque I did years ago with John 3:16 on it. It's one of my favorite objects to arrange around with greens and silk flowers. But today 1 John 3:16 popped into my head and there it was...the succession of God's love for us.
1 John 3:16
"Hereby perceive we the love of God, because he laid down his life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren."
That means laying down our thoughts before God and our tongues.

Thankful I felt a pulling to check something out and putting a quick fix on it!
Thankful I took the time to do something that seemed somewhat foolish.
Thankful my youngest daughter just called on her cell laughing joyously!
Thankful my hubby agreed with me not to go geocaching three days straight next week, so now I have breathing room of another day until the sale next weekend.
Thankful my eldest got to ride a Vespa through a Milan suburb with her wonderful host parent yesterday. How cool is that!

The trees are staying.

Earlier today, I spent some time checking out other blog downloads but could not part with the tree theme. When I was a young girl, living on my father's farm, I spent much of my free time combing the wooded areas with my dog. I was the leader. Bruce, the dog, wandered some but always was earshot away. I chose the paths we took.

Then last night, I was reading Lysa Terkeurst's book, "What Happens When Women Say Yes To God". In one of her chapters, she repeats the story of Jesus directing Simon Peter and others to lay their nets into the water even though they had worked throughout the night with nothing in their catch. In obedience, yet not fully convinced, Peter followed Jesus' command and in return hauled such a catch that the nets "began to break".

Lysa then directs her teaching to Luke 5:10-11
"Then Jesus said to Simon, "Don't be afraid; from now on you will catch men." So they pulled their boats up on shore, left everything and followed him.

When I finished the chapter I began writing my responses to the bible study questions that followed. One question inspired me the most...
"How does their response inspire you?"

Well the first word that popped into my head was "breathtaking".

So before I logged into my blog tonight I hit "breathtaking" into Google and took the definition from www.thefreedictionary.com site.

Breathtaking
1. inspiring or exciting
2. astonishing; astounding

syn: amazing, striking, exciting, brilliant, dramatic, impressive, thrilling, overwhelming, magnificent, sensational, awesome, and WONDROUS!

I took the day off today...a wintry mix left me too afraid to venture out. Some good did come from this though. I did nothing but relax, study, read and reheat leftovers.
This actually was a tough thing to do with Christmas so close away. I had guilt at first but realize now that this day of tossing all fears, all worry of what needs done away was good!
I apologized to God for being that ragamuffin kid with her dog, constantly choosing a new path. I need to have my sight on One, to complete the journey and follow!
I asked to see His "wondrous" son, Jesus Christ in a new light this Christmas season.
I pictured the three men who dropped all to follow Jesus. They saw the brilliance, the magnificent, the awesome.
Glorious! Glorious! He must had seemed!
To live this truth, day to day, is a Christmas wish for all!!!!

So.....I want to finish today's post with some belated Thanksgiving offerings.
*Great turkey!
*All the leftover's are gone!
*Outdoor lights are up! What a job! Actually took out the CD player and rejoiced with some holiday music to serenade us!
*Hey, our digital camera started working...pics to follow soon!
*Hubby did the dishes, while I slept! I was whipped last night! That actually is a prayer answered!!!! He usually doesn't help out around the house. Tomorrow he plans on helping me clean and decorate inside!
*Deer season...no school tomorrow...hey...in rural Pa. the school districts realize that attendance is very limited on the first day of hunting season!
*Lysa Terkeurst's book!
*Lots of board games and fun!
*Holiday DVD's!
*Christmas humming! Do it...it is good!

Thank you Father!

It Really Is Beautiful!

Our digital camera is no more, so at 7:00 AM this morning my word will have to do.
Some trees are holding firm, limbs outstretched upward, carrying the burden of many inches of new fallen snow upon their strength.

Some are cast downward, the weight is just too heavy. I could run out there and make my neighbors ponder my sanity, and just start shaking those little trees and bushes wildly. The snow would fall away in wintry clouds, sparkling, twirling, it would be grand. But I am not.

In my heart, yesterday...I got quickly burdened then shook by God's love. I went to work, a half hour early, what a blessing, my van run in the afternoon was cancelled and I was able to leave work at 3:00. I actually did a happy dance to the Holy Spirit in the classroom. So I'm feeling pretty proud of myself for recognizing God on my heart earlier in the day.

Oh, you puffy girl! At 3:05 I realized a car in our driveway at work was having trouble navigating out. We both proceeded through 8 inches of the wintry stuff that had fallen and I was not so happy at her progression up the highway. It was slow. Immediately my mind self-centered itself..."you need to speed up", "we aren't going to make it up this hill".

Then it hit me, she's probably as scared as I am! She has out of state plates, farther to go. You selfish little girl, Carol! I made it home...sadly I don't remember if I even sincerely prayed for her safety.

When I got home, immediately I put the boots on and began the task of shoveling. There was so much snow that my car couldn't even make it fully to the garage. Earlier in the day, I had said how I love to shovel. Not yesterday though. I asked God why am I not enjoying this! Now I know.

That little crack in the armor. That attack of selfishness had hardened and dimmed the light of Jesus.

After I post this, I am going to grab myself a bottle of water, reboot...I have already been out once this morning to get hubby out since I now have a snow day and the kids are sleeping in. I heard a flock of geese, this morning at 6:00 AM, flying in the darkness of morning. It stirred in me God's awesome grace.

They are continuing on their journey. Since I could not see the flock, only hear their trumpets call in the dark, I am presuming they were in the traditional "V". Led by one as they continued on their flight.

My goal today is to think of the One, who has saved me by His gift of grace. To shake off the burden of selfishness. To reach my heart and arms upward, carrying the weight of others in prayer. To talk to God, to put my focus back on His will and not my own desires.

Now it's time to grab my i-pod and hit some CeCe and Kirk Franklin, reboot more than just my feet, but my heart. It's daylight now, a skier's delight! It's overtime money for some working to keep our roads clear, a blessing with Christmas so near. It's also time when, some, like me, just plain get scared.

Heavenly Father...forgive me, help those in need on the roads.
Your world is truly a beautiful sight to behold this morning!
Thank you again for a lesson learned. I am bowed in humbleness, but not broken.
Lord, you have made many here a hearty bunch...may those hearts turn to you and steer clear of the many dangers out there, not just on the roads, but also in the deceit that can quickly enter our minds.

Amen, Carol

HHHH... I forgot to title this! It's Daniel!

I am starting over, on some things.
Discontent led to my own disapproval of my actions concerning God.
Different messages these past few days made me realize that the seeds we sow are not always financial. It can be a smile, a hug, a kind word, patience, etc...

It can also be giving time to reading the Word of God and taking notes, listening to what is being said and using it to guide your thoughts and actions further to represent the body of Christ.

Sooooo.....
last night I started on the book of Daniel.

One Chapter!!!! The First chapter humbled me...I read the second but the first really stuck it to me.

In chapter one, as many know, Daniel was chosen along with others, including the youths we learned about in our own childhood; Meshach, Shadrach and Abednego. I knew the story of Daniel, have read this chapter often but never took the time to notate the specifics.

What a change!



In being called to live near the king, Nebuchadnezzar, and eat from the food he provided, Daniel requested that he "not defile" himself and his friends. With the favour of God upon him, his request was granted by a king's servant. After ten days the boys partook upon beans and water and in turn were "fairer and fatter" than the rest. This diet continued thus on for them.

Hmmmm....well I say humbly that if in that position I could have easily said that favour is upon me and I deserve the things of the king because I have been separated and singled out. How easily reasoning, earthly reasoning could have won me over!

I started seeing in my mind TV shows I watch, certain foods I eat, gossip or talk that even though I might not participate in, I swallow up in my mind.

So many times I do actions that I know are pleasing to God...but that is where I need to be very careful...Daniel chose his actions based on the love he had for God. I began to realize that some of my actions in recent weeks haven't been so. Actions spurred on by true love of God and others, often come without hesitation and do not expect reward. Good and true actions are the ones that bring joy, happiness in the Spirit, not requiring payback because payment is in the love of Christ!

Sadly, I still miss the mark sometimes.
Graciously and humbly I will lean on you, Father, to remember the beginning of Daniel and sit it well upon my heart as I continue on.

Thanks be to God!

Having a day off!

No school today...professional day for teachers, not me!

Thank you Father!

Lets start with a bit of praise for what has been going on.

1. Eldest daughter loves teaching 7th grade Math! Has her own classroom, wonders if the new teacher feeling will ever go away because she loves going to work now!

2. I got a new do! Short! Donated to Locks For Love! Getting compliments!

3. Lost 12 pounds...so busy!

4. Paid off three outstanding debts...no more car payments!

5. Hubby is committing to attending church with me!

6. Youngest made Merit role for first grading period!

7. And this wonderful soup we had yesterday! Hubby made it all by himself...

Arghhh!!!! I give up! Anyways the most delicious soup...go to www.startcooking.com and look up the Butternut Squash Soup recipe...video instructions included...we only added 1 Tablespoon of maple syrup instead of two!




8. What I have gained in just two chapters of reading "What Happens When Women Say Yes to God" by Lysa TerKeurst.

a. My mind tends to go away from God, and directly and often incorrectly to the people I care about, instead of to God, who is the ONE who covers those I care about. Realizing I need to write more scriptures down, read more of God's Word and share that directly with Him.

b. I need more patience still....

Prov. 20:21 "Possessions gained hastily at the outset will in the end not be blessed"

Here again I sometimes get revelation internally, but cast it onto myself instead of to God. Knowledge gained through scripture and others is wasted. Seeing greater need to correct that!

c. Thus leading to renewed mindset to participate more with alone time by reading scripture, journaling after each reading, asking more of the steps I can do in God's will instead of asking direct action by Him or perceiving something that may not truly be there in His will.

"Haste makes Waste"...I have wasted too much time this past week worrying about what the future may hold. I have been feeling drained because I am weak when it comes to looking at ALL I have to praise in the present. Last night I spent that alone time with Him, writing things down...what a change it made.



So this morning my youngest and I went to see our optometrist, she is wearing contacts now (Thank you, Father!), this was a big step for her after many months of saying "I can't". We told her no JV B-ball with glasses on...either the contacts or goggles.

Then we indulged in a Bob Evans breakfast. I had warm apples on stuffed french toast...yummy...even better with a light snow falling outside!

Got me some Dollar Tree assorted locking storage containers...going to get more organization done around here...the reason being...

I need more free time,

to spend with family, friends, church, myself and the one who matters most...

God!

Psalms 94:18
"When I say, "My foot is slipping", your kindness, O Lord, sustains me."

So to end, I am swamped with things that need attending to, yet I am being sustained in good cheer, never too down to get back up. Maybe someday things will settle down so I can thoroughly be confident and patient with things like downloading videos of someone making delicious soup for a cold wintry day!

What my eyes did not see!

Friday night I attempted to jazz up my blog with a download from another site.

Today, Sunday, I am choosing to leave it for now.
Last night, after a nerve-wrenching game on TV with Penn State vs Ohio State, I made a mental decision I would arise extra early, attend early church and visit my father in a nursing home. At 6:00 I popped awake but chose to catch a few more winks...when I got up it was too late. Joe was already outside closing our above ground pool, which was a gift from my father many years ago. I was sick inside. Our weekends have been full or the weather hasn't cooperated...today was the day, because there is going to be a change in the weather tomorrow.

Joe needed me. Four hours later he openly thanked me for my help and it settled so sweetly with me that my heart was full of love.

I opened this blog but was still saddened by what I didn't do today, something I wanted so much to happen last night.

I googled Mark 8...read all of Chapter 8 & 9, and took it to the bathtub to soak and ponder on.

Much happened in those two chapters. Feeding thousands, addressing more Pharisees, healings, Peter's confession of Christ, Jesus predicts his death, the Transfiguration...this is too much to comment on from my limited skill.

Yet the quote that stirred me to came back here was Mark 8:21
"He said to them, "Do you still not understand?"

I could swallow myself up in pity or I could press on trusting God.

Each day is filled with the temptation of "couldas" and "shouldas".
I learned that years ago when I was still in therapy.

Being one of sound faith and joyful to boot, doesn't have to be a strain.
Why was I making it so?

Sitting in the bathtub, naked and talking to God may sound weird, but think of all the places millions have had to call out His name and the various circumstances they have been in.

Now I am relaxed. Joe is resting. The girls are shopping.
I didn't make it to church again or visit my father.

I'm not proud of that, but I refuse to allow it to rob my joy!

Taking it easy!

Currently I am all alone.

Husband is working. After I got home this morning the girls went to visit grandparents, they live next door! What a blessing!

I found something I had tucked away back in February 2007. I scanned my bookshelf and realized a little slip of paper sticking out of one of the copies of "The New Believers Bible". It was a list.

Here goes...

Things I Know

1. God's Grace
a. is sufficient

2. It's all in the Cross
a. love and understanding
b. forgiveness
c. fellowship
d. Kingdom
e. More to come... hhhhh I wonder what was going on there?

3. Destiny and Signs

4. Supernatural Exists

5. Prayer works, intervention works

6. Can conquer through Christ

7. No man can be against me when God is with me

8. I can trust God

9. I can trust Jesus

10. I can trust the Holy Spirit
*holds my tongue

11. Love your enemies

12. Spread the Gospel

13. Tithe

14. Waiting is good

15. Distractions are many, but God is Great, He is God

16. practice makes perfect

17. the Word heals!

Then I flipped over the page and saw...

Things I Don't Understand

1. What are you actually doing up there, God?
a. Who are you positioning?
b. What is my role as your servant?

2. I know I'm on the right track, but am I doing it right?

3. Should I run the race a little faster?

This led me to 1 Cor. 2:9

"That is what the Scriptures mean when they say,
'No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined
what God has prepared for those who love him".

It is very difficult to lead myself into a full body of teaching on the fullness of God's love. I guess that is why I wish to go to higher education. I would love any suggestions. I am not conveniently located near college level classes. Earlier this year I almost entered a scholarship contest to Regent University but gave up.

My thoughts on where to go often imagine the possibilities of helping others with mental illness, counseling, writing.

Love and Blessing to all!

I AM actually happy about this!

Everyone hates tests, including me.

These past two weeks have included such a vast array of mental, physical and emotional tests.

It's been like the SAT of learning to trust God in a way I have never seen before.

I have had to say no to certain individuals.

I have had to learn not to complain. Actually I can't even force myself to complain.

Yet, I had to complain tonight to someone to help ease tension others were feeling.

I have had to sit quietly and let others voice their opinions, their trials, and their triumphs.

I have had to speak up on decisions we have made about my youngest daughter and why we have chosen the course we have.

I have realized the Holy Spirit is really working on my behalf by keeping my tongue quiet on so many obstacles that have been placed before me. Then I felt Spirit led another time to speak up.

I am not joyful, happy about everything I have said and done, but I fear God more.

I am going to go to bed tonight knowing that He is with our family.

Labor Day

I woke up a rather foolish woman today. It was late...10:45...husband really did the right thing by letting me get needed rest. But I was torn, feeling irresponsible and lazy. Got my coffee, settled down to reading e-mails and put on my sneakers. Then things looked better, but the plans I had made last night to get an early start were haunting me. By 1:00, I had two loads of laundry done, a bed changed and still feeling some discontent. What's a girl to do...I head outside and mow the lawn.

I once commented that I use the random shuffling of songs on my i-pod to propel my discontent to better thinking, sweating it out. First song that came up..."Another Loser Anthem" by Good Charlotte.
Oh, that's not Christian.
Col. 3:2 "Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth"

This is my crazy mind. What I see.

Next...some thing I needed to hear...Liz Phair, "Extraordinary".
I needed to hear...to think...to say it to myself...I am extraordinary!
Of course, every time I hear the rest of the refrain I chuckle...mentally...not out loud.

I mow along...various songs come and go. I think about New Orleans, my own trials, places where I haven't let go of past resentments and hurts.

Then a song that heals perfectly a wandering mind such as mine, "Ain't No Mountain High Enough"

Get that song.
Listen to every word.
Feel, know, hear... that which is truth. Call on Him. He listens.
He answers. He moves mountains. He comforts. He is in our lows and our highs.
God observes our trials, knows our weaknesses, saves the lost.

Praise be His name.

Now to tackle more laundry, back to work tomorrow.

PS...The last song on the shuffle, putting away the wheel barrel...U2's, "A Beautiful Day"

Blessings!

Our family has been blessed!
Lets just do a recap...

** oldest has secured a half day contract to teach with benefits, possibility to earn further income on horizon doing a tutoring post!

** Extra income; overtime pay, unexpected financial gift from relative and yesterday a call declaring I won a contest including a small financial reward.

These are monetary blessings. Things we needed to keep afloat during the summer months when things are tight. Financial wizards we are not. Mistakes were made early in our marriage and we are still making up for opportunities lost. This summer it has been placed in my heart to reorganize and gather all things of importance through the years; pictures, kid's school projects, baseball cards, mementos of past events and place them in secure enclosure for safe keeping. All our lives God has kept a splendid wing of Grace upon us!

My bum is so sore today from climbing in and out of third floor attic! I'm learning still the importance of being diligent in spending habits, organizing files, and creating new ways to manage the business side of our life together.

After the call came yesterday afternoon from the contest promoter, after I did my happy dance and thanked God Almighty, I found myself dwelling on His love and a quiet gentle fear came over me. The ball is in my court to announce properly how His glory should be revered in all this. I don't want to mess this up!

I don't want to expound on the trials I have been through and the fears I have held onto for too long.

All I want is for Him to glow brightly through this!

Part of the beautiful Psalm 118...

118:19
Open to me the gates of righteousness: I will go into them, and I will praise the Lord.


Gates are open; to witness, to speak more gently to God and others, to share and to love and forgive.

Extra Bit

"When we are no longer able to change a situation-we are challenged to change ourselves" Victor E. Frankl

This also appeared in my inbox today...quote of the day from subscription to Simple Living.

Even though I had read the bible, front to back, before the events previously listed on an earlier post, I was unable to see light and grace in the situations around me.

When I began gaining strength and started seeking answers, Book of Psalms and Proverbs was where I was planted.

I believe much orchestration and grace was applied by God, I remember snatching up the New Believer's Bible at my daughter's high school baccalaureate...they were there for the taking. Great resource for one, such as me...short attention span, still somewhat confused.

Learning to forgive...a must in order to love!

Mental health

I was excusing myself from posting today, thinking I had nothing to give, until I read this mornings devotion from Proverbs 31 contributor, Melissa Taylor.




Her devotional today in my inbox was on comparing wrong thoughts vs God's thoughts.
Since I have already put some of the fights I have with negative thinking and the darkness that surrounds us I am choosing to add light to a sickness that Satan may have organized but God I feel will use someday to bring another into freedom.

First lie I didn't recognize or believe-
*Satan doesn't exist
OK...then who is the thief who does not come but to steal, and to kill and to destroy. John 10:10

I had just given birth, to this incredible child! She was even born on the same date as the one my Mother died on. A date I hated, but suddenly realized a release was given to me!!!!But did I thank God? Not really.

Every night during the final month of my pregnancy from 10 to midnight, Juli would kick like a pro soccer player inside me, I loved it! After she was born, she cried, and cried every night from 10 to midnight. Then I cried...we walked, we rocked, we used the washing machine, the bathroom sink running. For three months, this went on. No physical reason, no illness, but the Devil had my mind twisting and turning. I started to resent my husband. I ignored duties involving keeping up with financial tasks. When Juli finally began sleeping through the night then my attention went to myself! I started starving myself. Another poor choice! I focused so much attention to my looks. I was still not giving God anything.
Everyday became like Joyce Meyer likes to say... "all about me".
I resented my husband, his family, my family.
So if this wasn't enough, Satan then used my sister's cancer, my father and step-mother's increasing use of alcohol, and family dishevel to throw a lug wrench further into my slowly progressive abnormal thinking.
I lost the 50 pounds, got myself looking great before a class reunion, but I was so sick in my thinking that even my actions started changing.
I remember going to a hair salon and cutting all my long hair off to a short bob, just to get even with my husband. Guess what...I have no idea what for now!
I began having nightmares!
Thoughts of impending doom for my husband!
I thought I was on every one's mind, that this person and that knew a cure to help me!
I even ran away...guess where...to my husband's grandparents. I was talking so erratically that Grandma thought I must be pregnant again.
Within one week...I was hospitalized.
Who shows up, but this guy there, talking about owning and reading a Satanic bible...I physically flipped out! Restraints, padded room and all!
On the positive side...he didn't come near me again.
So...I leave...diagnosed bi-polar. Coming home, ashamed with none of my thinking addressed, on meds...I then slipped away into darkness. A sadness so intense, I cried for days, showered rarely...and finally turned to God.
I attended to Juli's daily needs, she was a cuddly year old...while she slept and I cried some more, I began asking God to just hold me. I pictured this "Father Time" like guy holding me tightly.
I was also given a wonderful British Psychiatrist, a wonderful cancer surviving therapist and Joe, my husband, who was thrown, tossed and punched by months of my insults and horrible actions.
Joe became "boot camp Joe".
The mutual decision was made to make me work, if I didn't get back into mainstream employment and a daily schedule then I needed further placement in the mental system.
Too ashamed to go back into partial care I took a job as a cafeteria worker in a local Jr. High.
I cried every morning on the phone to him after he left for work, pleading to let me quit.
Eventually, I also found a show, and a lady on TV, named Joyce Meyer...she wore red lipstick like my mother did and I found myself slowly adding her into my routine.
Crying, pouting, calling and watching religious TV!

My father eventually had to have an intervention...his alcoholism was actually killing him and was in danger of dying from liver failure.
I lost my beloved sister.
My step-mother was never the same and cancer took her life also.

So this is just an installment.
I'm not sure when part 2 will come.

I do know it will be more of God's beauty and joy.
It all started with a hug from a grey bearded man and a lady with red lipstick.

The VERY Best Lesson!

I have searched much needed advice lately, through scripture, Internet, and just listening to others...but the VERY BEST lesson came Saturday night.
At first I was too embarrassed to post this but today I am going to give it a try.

While at a nearby carnival Saturday, I saw people who I am not always particularly fond of. I critiqued away in my mind. Then as I pondered where I may be going in life, the truth was made completely clear to me!

Your going NO WHERE until you love your NEIGHBOR as much as the strangers you met while away!

Ouch!!!!

Humbled!

Helped me throw more trash away in the past three days than anything!

Thank you Jesus!


PS. Thank you to my daughter, since I tend to rattle on in oral storytelling, she stopped me last night and said, "when you tell a story, people probably just say 'I need to walk away now'".
She is a wise and wonderful daughter, I told her I would store that quote up in my memory for the next time I want to relate an event to someone!
Lessons are everywhere!!!!

Thanks be to God!

Weekend Recap

Great meal-Friday night!
Ankle better!
Unexpected financial boost!
Then some terrible thunderstorms Saturday...power outages...but the show went on...saw a great fireworks display!
Geocaching Sunday...another unexpected view of local scenery!
Wide awake and ready to roll by 5:30 this morning...had a long talk with God last night!
I told him this "thorn" in my side is more akin to a drill bit, just at the mention of this "thing" that I find distasteful, I fall into old ways of thinking.
Do I have a predisposition to anger and unforgiving I asked?

1 Cor. 8:9
"But take heed lest by any means this liberty of your's become a stumbling block to them that are weak."

So many times the liberty we take in our thinking can take us places we should not tread. Those things that irk me the most may very well be of something that I can help and show God's love to someday!

That was where my head was late last night. When I fell away from resentment and twisted the screws of anger from my side, then I found peace.

All for now! :)

Dream?

I admit I am not a big fan of dream interpretation... in the past the novice practice of it confused me. But last night I had a very vivid dream, filled with definable imagery and feeling.

This morning, during a moment of solitude, and after a short cat nap (my cat chose to cuddle up with me on the couch) I woke to the thought of that dream and found some meaning in it to share.
Here goes....
My husband, oldest daughter and I were in a town, one slightly similar to one nearby our home. We were there to take part in an event...but this time the town was dark, dirty, polluted to the point of taking the appearance of soot laden buildings. The three of us were unshaken by this and as usual I needed to find a bathroom, which even aroused some kidding by my family to joke that I am always needing a bathroom. Hey, what can I say...I'm older now and the plumbing isn't what it use to be.

We traveled down one alley after another until we asked if there was a public restroom nearby. After arriving at one and venturing inside, I saw that it was the filthiest place on earth. Instead of the usual bathroom fixtures, all I found was deep, dark disgusting holes with caustic fumes rising above. In one of the bathrooms there was this deep pit and laying along side two stuffed and mangy critters. Tucker the elephant and Maurice the mouse...how I knew this I don't know but I was so excited to see them breathing and alive I snatched them up and ran to show the other two with me. Quickly they returned to ordinary stuffed animals. I remember feeling so disappointed to hear my daughter tell me that they had to stay in the filth of the hole to stay alive because they fed off the fumes of an underground city.
I returned the animals, and watched in silence as they began to breathe before my eyes. This dream ended up as kooky as it started with me returning to the street announcing, "I can hold it". Then I woke up.

Now...this morning I woke up, content, just as calm and content as the three of us were in this dream. My daughter has another job interview, hubby returned to work this week.

So why am I posting this?
Well, there is much of Tucker and Maurice in us.
One of biggest temptations I have been fighting this past year is to walk away from the stench and smell of things that in the past didn't effect me much; gossip, envy, desires of material things, distrust, assuming thinking, impatience, worry, etc.

I don't want to be like that elephant and mouse anymore.
I don't want to come alive only when I hear a fancy tidbit about someone else, even when it is mentioned without clear intent to harm.

Proverbs 21:2
"Every way of a man is right in his own eyes: but the Lord pondereth the hearts"

We can't take that chance.

He truly is all-knowing, flawless, and omniscient!
Praise!!!!!!

PS. Flawless was the word of the day on my homepage. Odd since it seems so clearly definable and without explanation.

Romans 3:23

"For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God"

This past weekend, I probably stacked up so many non-God glorifying thoughts you could climb Mount Everest! Watching your child play in a contact sport, spying the competition and their parents just plain brings out the worst in me. It spilled into my relationship with my husband. It showed in the attitude of her sister. I'm glad we went! Eye-opener EXTREME!

I had to get down, repent...and move on.

because Romans 3:24

"being justified freely by his grace through the repentance that is in Christ Jesus"

BUT....I will have to do better next time! Then, I will have to do better the next time after that!

Now my mouse is acting like a stubborn child right now, I just changed the batteries and still it's cordless self is making this very difficult.

Just like me, it needs a little shaking up to get moving on the right path!

Those First Few Momments

Everyday I start by fixing my husband lunch, getting my youngest up for school, brewing the coffee, then settling down to the computer. While my babe is sleeping in dad's easy chair (she has the amount of time needed to get ready for school down to an exact science!) I come here to shake away those thoughts and attacks of the spirit that appear each day! Today my morning e-mail devotions were amazingly on target!

Attack #1: Your blog is stupid! Writing isn't anything worthwhile!
* now these aren't the exact words I heard in my head...but the negative aspect of what I first felt.

Devotional that truly lifted this burden from me..6/25/08
Encouragement For Today from Proverbs 31 Ministry
"The Adventure of Obedience" by Glynnis Whitwer- it sent me to one of my favorite scripture verses, 2 Timothy 4:7 which Paul writes "I have fought the good fight, I have completed the race, I have kept the faith" The fact is I am one of those people who always wants to know how the movie ends. Will my favorite character have a happy ending? By dipping into the waters of salvation through Christ, by pushing further each day, by casting away those thoughts that are hindering my progress and being obedient to God's calling then I too will say as Paul did. Next time my oldest asks "when you gonna write that children's book...I can say, "here, read what I got so far".

Attack #2: Your just plain weird!
* another synopsis of what hindering thoughts that were floating around this morning...boy those buggers always hit me fast and hard! PRAY hard and fast in the morning!!!!

Devotional that helped..6/25/08
In Touch Daily Devotional by Dr. Charles Stanley
Now Dr. Stanley was using this morning's scripture verse from Deuteronomy 6:4-7 to teach on the importance of being diligent in the manner of our children and raising a house filled in faith. But his comment "a person's relationship with Jesus must be real and exciting" fully dispelled my feelings on insecurity about my "dangerous" comment in yesterday's blog post. All of sudden...weirdness, nerdiness, and that cloak of protective darkness was washed away as I allowed the words of the devotional sink in.

Now everyday I receive on average 5-6 e-mail devotionals a day...often they are read quickly, but the strong seed of God's love even though devoured in a flash DO sustain me! Yet I save each one...I have numerous folders from each site saved. I can't junk them, I can't throw them to the trash bin. Why? My Father knows...somewhere down my journey I'll need them, I'll find one that lifts me or someone else.

As for today...in 6 minutes and counting I have to arise my slumbering teen from the easy chair...get her out the door. She is dressed now...she is taking Health for her upcoming Freshman year during summer school because it's quick, less work, and no offense to her teacher...but coming along rather easy! Now she has more freedom to make schedule changes if need be next fall. She tried to tell kids that the small sacrifice of three weeks of 1/2 day classes and getting up early would be only to their benefit.

She's out the door...Thank God!!!! She's NOT a morning person so this really is a true sacrifice for her! Bless her heart she didn't object to this course, but we already knew through her older sis she will appreciate it come fall.

She will have Grandma's sugar cookies by the end of today!



HHHHHH....guess what ...she missed the bus!!!! She sent a text to her friend...her friend sent a 14 yr old version of a joke, "you missed the bus"...my now "fully" awake 14 yr old zips back into the house to tell me, looses signal and can't receive the 2nd text from her friend saying she's kidding and the bus goes zipping by the house! So I am back 30 minutes later...thankful I didn't lose this post because I closed it so quickly and actually in better humor now than before!

Isn't knowing God wonderful!

3:00

At 3:00 Friday my husband was traveling through an intersection near his employment.
At 3:00 Friday I was sobbing in the cafeteria alone over something I had encountered before on my job.
At 3:20 a collision was in the west bound lane near the intersection my husband had previously traveled through.
At 3:20 I was hurrying to pick him up to end his day, worrying on whether I should try to stop at the bank. Upon seeing an accident, I took a detour then continued in my stinking thinking about how a great day turned so terrible for me so quickly.
I didn't give the accident much thought the rest of the day. I saw people standing outside their cars and no one seemed too upset.
The rest of the day went as follows; I took a nap in the recliner, drifting off to sleep through prayer, my husband woke me up at 7:00 to announce he and our daughter were getting wings for take-out. I was content with that. We watched Funniest Home Videos, Price is Right, then popped in the movie Gracie we had given our daughter but still was in it's wrappings. Then my daughter and I enjoyed much needed talk time. She plays four sports in Jr. High and the movie was set in 1978, just the same time I was a senior in high school. I highly recommend this movie. For the two of us, last night it was the perfect movie. By this time Dad was sound asleep in the recliner. I did pop on the computer during the movie because I was restless still and found the cutest video looking up places to see this summer on vacation in Tennessee. Since I can't figure out yet how to get link to work in blog text, the link is on side in Places I Go...I want to go here for a laugh!

Then we ended our night in good humor and I had trouble sleeping after such a long nap.

This morning I slept in until 10:00, retrieved the paper and saw the accident again. The driver was DUI, it was not a simple fender bender but head-on collision and the injured woman who was in the other car was life-flighted and listed with moderate injuries. God...he was the first thing that came to my mind. I remembered having two brief mystery light-headed spells yesterday, lasting only seconds. My oldest daughter was meeting her cousin yesterday afternoon in Pittsburgh where she is student teaching. Her cousin's mother, my husband's aunt had died many years earlier in a head-on collision. My prayers for those involved in the accident yesterday; drivers, their families and the police who also found other illegal drugs in the DUI driver's possession. I can't comment anymore on this.

Today is wet and rainy, our taxes are done, my in-laws taxes are done...thank God my husband actually enjoys doing that stuff.

Can't wait until church tomorrow...wondering what the sermon will be...