Extra Bit

"When we are no longer able to change a situation-we are challenged to change ourselves" Victor E. Frankl

This also appeared in my inbox today...quote of the day from subscription to Simple Living.

Even though I had read the bible, front to back, before the events previously listed on an earlier post, I was unable to see light and grace in the situations around me.

When I began gaining strength and started seeking answers, Book of Psalms and Proverbs was where I was planted.

I believe much orchestration and grace was applied by God, I remember snatching up the New Believer's Bible at my daughter's high school baccalaureate...they were there for the taking. Great resource for one, such as me...short attention span, still somewhat confused.

Learning to forgive...a must in order to love!

Mental health

I was excusing myself from posting today, thinking I had nothing to give, until I read this mornings devotion from Proverbs 31 contributor, Melissa Taylor.




Her devotional today in my inbox was on comparing wrong thoughts vs God's thoughts.
Since I have already put some of the fights I have with negative thinking and the darkness that surrounds us I am choosing to add light to a sickness that Satan may have organized but God I feel will use someday to bring another into freedom.

First lie I didn't recognize or believe-
*Satan doesn't exist
OK...then who is the thief who does not come but to steal, and to kill and to destroy. John 10:10

I had just given birth, to this incredible child! She was even born on the same date as the one my Mother died on. A date I hated, but suddenly realized a release was given to me!!!!But did I thank God? Not really.

Every night during the final month of my pregnancy from 10 to midnight, Juli would kick like a pro soccer player inside me, I loved it! After she was born, she cried, and cried every night from 10 to midnight. Then I cried...we walked, we rocked, we used the washing machine, the bathroom sink running. For three months, this went on. No physical reason, no illness, but the Devil had my mind twisting and turning. I started to resent my husband. I ignored duties involving keeping up with financial tasks. When Juli finally began sleeping through the night then my attention went to myself! I started starving myself. Another poor choice! I focused so much attention to my looks. I was still not giving God anything.
Everyday became like Joyce Meyer likes to say... "all about me".
I resented my husband, his family, my family.
So if this wasn't enough, Satan then used my sister's cancer, my father and step-mother's increasing use of alcohol, and family dishevel to throw a lug wrench further into my slowly progressive abnormal thinking.
I lost the 50 pounds, got myself looking great before a class reunion, but I was so sick in my thinking that even my actions started changing.
I remember going to a hair salon and cutting all my long hair off to a short bob, just to get even with my husband. Guess what...I have no idea what for now!
I began having nightmares!
Thoughts of impending doom for my husband!
I thought I was on every one's mind, that this person and that knew a cure to help me!
I even ran away...guess where...to my husband's grandparents. I was talking so erratically that Grandma thought I must be pregnant again.
Within one week...I was hospitalized.
Who shows up, but this guy there, talking about owning and reading a Satanic bible...I physically flipped out! Restraints, padded room and all!
On the positive side...he didn't come near me again.
So...I leave...diagnosed bi-polar. Coming home, ashamed with none of my thinking addressed, on meds...I then slipped away into darkness. A sadness so intense, I cried for days, showered rarely...and finally turned to God.
I attended to Juli's daily needs, she was a cuddly year old...while she slept and I cried some more, I began asking God to just hold me. I pictured this "Father Time" like guy holding me tightly.
I was also given a wonderful British Psychiatrist, a wonderful cancer surviving therapist and Joe, my husband, who was thrown, tossed and punched by months of my insults and horrible actions.
Joe became "boot camp Joe".
The mutual decision was made to make me work, if I didn't get back into mainstream employment and a daily schedule then I needed further placement in the mental system.
Too ashamed to go back into partial care I took a job as a cafeteria worker in a local Jr. High.
I cried every morning on the phone to him after he left for work, pleading to let me quit.
Eventually, I also found a show, and a lady on TV, named Joyce Meyer...she wore red lipstick like my mother did and I found myself slowly adding her into my routine.
Crying, pouting, calling and watching religious TV!

My father eventually had to have an intervention...his alcoholism was actually killing him and was in danger of dying from liver failure.
I lost my beloved sister.
My step-mother was never the same and cancer took her life also.

So this is just an installment.
I'm not sure when part 2 will come.

I do know it will be more of God's beauty and joy.
It all started with a hug from a grey bearded man and a lady with red lipstick.

The VERY Best Lesson!

I have searched much needed advice lately, through scripture, Internet, and just listening to others...but the VERY BEST lesson came Saturday night.
At first I was too embarrassed to post this but today I am going to give it a try.

While at a nearby carnival Saturday, I saw people who I am not always particularly fond of. I critiqued away in my mind. Then as I pondered where I may be going in life, the truth was made completely clear to me!

Your going NO WHERE until you love your NEIGHBOR as much as the strangers you met while away!

Ouch!!!!

Humbled!

Helped me throw more trash away in the past three days than anything!

Thank you Jesus!


PS. Thank you to my daughter, since I tend to rattle on in oral storytelling, she stopped me last night and said, "when you tell a story, people probably just say 'I need to walk away now'".
She is a wise and wonderful daughter, I told her I would store that quote up in my memory for the next time I want to relate an event to someone!
Lessons are everywhere!!!!

Thanks be to God!

Weekend Recap

Great meal-Friday night!
Ankle better!
Unexpected financial boost!
Then some terrible thunderstorms Saturday...power outages...but the show went on...saw a great fireworks display!
Geocaching Sunday...another unexpected view of local scenery!
Wide awake and ready to roll by 5:30 this morning...had a long talk with God last night!
I told him this "thorn" in my side is more akin to a drill bit, just at the mention of this "thing" that I find distasteful, I fall into old ways of thinking.
Do I have a predisposition to anger and unforgiving I asked?

1 Cor. 8:9
"But take heed lest by any means this liberty of your's become a stumbling block to them that are weak."

So many times the liberty we take in our thinking can take us places we should not tread. Those things that irk me the most may very well be of something that I can help and show God's love to someday!

That was where my head was late last night. When I fell away from resentment and twisted the screws of anger from my side, then I found peace.

All for now! :)

27

Happy Anniversary! 27 years!

I had this scanned 2 years ago to make my husband an anniversary card to celebrate our 25th.

27 years ago, I thought for certain we would have this huge celebration on our
25th anniversary. It didn't happen, we had a nice dinner with my in-laws and a couple aunts and our uncle. It was wonderful! Tonight, we are having dinner alone at one of our favorite restaurants. I'm leaving out much of the revelation and spirituality in this because I just can't put into words how I am feeling right now.
I love the fact my husband is grinning ear to ear in this picture, with his Mike Brady hair!
I remember he was sweating it out, through the whole ceremony, while I was as calm as can be.
I remember I danced, and danced, and danced! We had a rented hall, we did our own decorations, we had to run out after the rehearsal dinner and grab a nice serving knife because I forgot. I didn't realize until just minutes before I threw the bouquet that I didn't have a spare, I had pledged mine for Mom's grave. So I ran around pulling flowers where I could from various arrangements and wrapped them in ribbon. We had a huge feast of traditional Slavic food dishes! I had to serve myself!
I loved it!
I was 20 years old, I had just dropped out of college, had no job, yet I was loving this day like no day before!
I am loving today! I am loving life more than ever!
Thank you Father for the blessings we have received!
Thank you Father for the trials we have shared!
Thank you for my family, our love and laughter!
Happy dance, happy dance in my heart today to you!

Dream?

I admit I am not a big fan of dream interpretation... in the past the novice practice of it confused me. But last night I had a very vivid dream, filled with definable imagery and feeling.

This morning, during a moment of solitude, and after a short cat nap (my cat chose to cuddle up with me on the couch) I woke to the thought of that dream and found some meaning in it to share.
Here goes....
My husband, oldest daughter and I were in a town, one slightly similar to one nearby our home. We were there to take part in an event...but this time the town was dark, dirty, polluted to the point of taking the appearance of soot laden buildings. The three of us were unshaken by this and as usual I needed to find a bathroom, which even aroused some kidding by my family to joke that I am always needing a bathroom. Hey, what can I say...I'm older now and the plumbing isn't what it use to be.

We traveled down one alley after another until we asked if there was a public restroom nearby. After arriving at one and venturing inside, I saw that it was the filthiest place on earth. Instead of the usual bathroom fixtures, all I found was deep, dark disgusting holes with caustic fumes rising above. In one of the bathrooms there was this deep pit and laying along side two stuffed and mangy critters. Tucker the elephant and Maurice the mouse...how I knew this I don't know but I was so excited to see them breathing and alive I snatched them up and ran to show the other two with me. Quickly they returned to ordinary stuffed animals. I remember feeling so disappointed to hear my daughter tell me that they had to stay in the filth of the hole to stay alive because they fed off the fumes of an underground city.
I returned the animals, and watched in silence as they began to breathe before my eyes. This dream ended up as kooky as it started with me returning to the street announcing, "I can hold it". Then I woke up.

Now...this morning I woke up, content, just as calm and content as the three of us were in this dream. My daughter has another job interview, hubby returned to work this week.

So why am I posting this?
Well, there is much of Tucker and Maurice in us.
One of biggest temptations I have been fighting this past year is to walk away from the stench and smell of things that in the past didn't effect me much; gossip, envy, desires of material things, distrust, assuming thinking, impatience, worry, etc.

I don't want to be like that elephant and mouse anymore.
I don't want to come alive only when I hear a fancy tidbit about someone else, even when it is mentioned without clear intent to harm.

Proverbs 21:2
"Every way of a man is right in his own eyes: but the Lord pondereth the hearts"

We can't take that chance.

He truly is all-knowing, flawless, and omniscient!
Praise!!!!!!

PS. Flawless was the word of the day on my homepage. Odd since it seems so clearly definable and without explanation.

Joy!

Tried and tested yesterday to feel resentment.
Each thought was passed aside, stung at first but quickly brushed aside like a pesky gnat. That is how we should always treat thoughts that dig up the past! Yesterday I had my moments, but quickly fell upon what I know as the truth.

A moment of pure joy...Saturday night playing MadGab. I was so totally befuddled on one card that my stumbling, my husband's dumbfounding to his partner's inability to see the correct answer, it led to such laughter that I broke down into a bawling hilarious mess!

A moment of joyful response to a movie last night...August Rush...the music, the fairy tale, despite things I wished were in the movie, I found myself with a quivering lip, holding back my tears at the end.

These are the things that matter in life!
Had two objectives this morning to clear up...two phone calls later...my problems were quickly resolved!

Book that helped me resolve something close to my heart, see 7/19 post...James Robinson's "True Prosperity". I sent so little to a charitable cause but got so much in return.

In much peace this morning...I pray this for others!

I Challenging Change in Thought

All my life, I always heard comparisons, so I grew up comparing. This was especially true to the gathering of wealth and material objects. Last night in prayer I finally came to God in thanksgiving and repentance to accept the knowledge of His Word that I too am a rich woman.

Rich in love...husband, children and the realization that I am loved beyond my comprehension by Almighty God.

Rich in knowledge...His word is available to me everyday.

Rich in salvation...Jesus.

Rich in joy...laughter, beauty of this wondrous earth around us.

Rich in contentment...my needs are being met.

Rich in hope..."I can do all things through him who strengthens me" Phil 4:13

Rich in wisdom...my increasing reliance on the Holy Spirit. "But the helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the father will send in my name, will teach you all things and remind you of everything that I have told you" John 14:26

When I came to this change in thought, from seeing myself as rich, instead of saying I was richly blessed it did something to me. It allowed freedom to come in and dispel fear. By placing only monetary gain to my perception of the word "rich", I couldn't fully grasp my usefulness to the body of Christ and to God. Being rich was always a condemning word in my mind, a place or people I would never be. Now that I too am a rich woman, for all that I have seen and heard, I too can be a blessing. I see now that wealth abounds for me even though not one more penny may enter my pocket.

Suddenly through this, a whole new perspective surrounds me, it is humbling and it is grace. Thank you Father...I am still unsure where this will take me and my family but with what little I do know of you I am positive it will be for your glory and not mine.

PS. Keep reminding me of that last bit. I still have a long way too go!

Continuation...

Another view from Heavenly View cabin!!!


Cades Cove in Great Smokey Mountains National Park


Great Smokey Mountains National Park

Left Alot of Junk in Tennessee!

I thought something else would happen when I booked us a vacation to Tennessee!
Something akin to a voice of prophesy...something definitive on which way I should turn.

What I got was a spectacular view of mountains. Each new morning brought a completely different image set into my memory forever. We had an "uphill" start to our visit. First of all, the trip up the mountain was horrific. I have this terrible fear of having my vehicle konk out...well we were loaded down to the max and losing power plus overheating as we made the climb to our cabin. I actually called His name out, much to the delight of my family as we made our way up switchback curves and a narrow passageway. Then the toilet got plugged. I sat on the deck and cried. My husband and two girls were playing Foosball! Who was the fool here! Needless to say...the maintenance man came in less than an hour...the van never sputtered a bit the rest of the trip.

I learned much during our week here. From that first night on I put my full trust in God! From roller coasters to mountain peaks, I thought about Him and his grace which led me to just relax, let the events flow and enjoy this time away with my family.

Tennessee is a beautiful state. Though we didn't get to all the things I had planned on doing, all were pleased in this first trip to the Volunteer State! Even our side trip home to U. of Tennessee went without a hitch, what we thought was a wrong turn led us directly to the campus bookstore and stadium. Got us some authentic U. of Tennessee wear!

Funniest oddity we found...the original Kentucky Fried Chicken Cafe while geocaching in Kentucky. I got a kick out of that!

My girl got another call for a job interview...she had posted her resume on a site she doubted anyone would use. The Christian school hasn't rejected her, they sent more info and paperwork for her to fill out.

As for myself, things are more simplified, I am more respectful and thankful to God for this stage I am going through. Thank you for the reality check and the opportunity to dump my junk!

Finally!

Yippee, Yahooey! Finally witnessed successfully for the first time!

Big hug to you Almighty Father!

Update on daughter's job searching....4 rejection letters but visit to Christian school yesterday! Hmmmm....she had to tell the truth...not currently involved in any ministry program. Not sure where this will lead...in-laws had various coincidental meetings with certain individuals yesterday...things appearing to be looking up!

That's all for today...party at our house for 4th! Tennessee here we come on 6th!!!!