Actually did something yesterday that I had never done before.
I went to church alone.
One family member went to the early service, others needed rest.
I always had anxiety over this, leftover from days gone by.
When we went to the amusement park on Thursday I had seen our parish priest, waiting in line behind us with his family (Episcopalian). After seeing him I told myself...I will haul my bum to church Sunday no matter what.
When it became clear Sunday morning I would have to attend church alone...I went.
Little butterflies were in me.
I am still growing.
Someone told my mother-in-law yesterday they thought the troubles I had in the past revolved around cancer. I guess we kept our mouths so closed, feeling ashamed of the stigma of mental illness that the first thing people thought of was cancer since it is so prevalent in my family history. I'm completely guessing at this.
Now to Fall,
A new school year,
New opportunities to reach out to others.
Prayers for an old high school buddy struggling with cancer.
Needing strength and healing from Heaven above for her, for others around me, for myself too,
to understand and accept this new season in life, like the autumn leaves here, ever changing.
I see God calling me to do more things in fear than in comfort.
I apologize if any previous entries here have led anyone to believe I was fearless.
Thankfully, expressing myself openly has enabled me to be more trusting.
Thank you Father,
for each step I take.
Help me to express this gratitude and your incredible love for all of us along the way.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Friday, August 22, 2008
Can't decide
Can't really decide what to title this. Here is a pic of us, on a log ride at a wonderful family owned park, Waldameer Park in Erie, Pa.
When I saw this picture I laughed until I cried...in public!
Juli thinks everyone makes faces at the cameras placed on amusement rides!
"Obviously not", I uttered through tears, because not one pic we saw all afternoon had an image similar to this!
Last year when we visited this park I did something I had never done before. I just said the name Jesus over and over in my head prior to being plummeted in a 140 ft. free fall ride called the X-Scream. This year on our visit and when we went to Dollywood, the daring teenager I once was came back.
Goofy as it may be to some...calling our Savior's name gave me something.
I could be a kid again.
Thank you Lord, for family, for fun, and being able to take on many things that were once frightening.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Ode To Joe
Two posts in one day...just got on a roll, thanks to a wonderful comment! Thank you!!!!
So..."Ode To Joe" was the half-time theme of the first Penn State football game we attended. My oldest was 15 yrs. old, and on that day she made her decision to attend PSU, and only PSU. The 400+ Blue Band came on the field, turned their backs to the home side and started to play "Ode to Joy". Then with perfect timing they turned, and hit us with a sound that sent chills through us. We still talk about that day!
Now to my "Ode to Joe"
My Joe can get on my nerves like no one else. He knows exactly how to pull my strings and get a reaction. He doesn't do this to hurt me. I have come to learn through 27 years of marriage that God gave this man to teach the impossible child in me the discipline and the determination that she wasn't taking from Him. Joe had to take over a dual role when I was mentally unable. He has refused to do certain tasks in the past despite my pouting, forcing me to take them on against my willful self. Whether he is willing to openly admit it, I will for him. At times he was a better Mom than me!
Joe is a big guy! He's been told he resembles the likes of heavy hitter Mark McGuire and the lead singer from Metallica. He once scared a gentle older woman at a local nursery buying flowers. All he did was turn slightly to see who was standing next to him..."you want these", she panicked, handing him her planter. Obviously she didn't know what I knew. Joe has his sweet side. He gets more excited for seed catalogs than I do!
Joe thought he could design a living room decor unlike any other. I agreed to paint it Caribbean orange to please his decorative side, then two weeks before Christmas I hurriedly sponged on various shades to mask. It was still hideous! I still consult him on color options, but at least now he lets me do the final pick. That's the story behind the weird wall! Yet, Joe gets teary-eyed every time he watches Extreme Home Makeover!
(hhhh...eldest just came in room while typing...her story of the weird wall is we BOTH didn't listen to her advice first)
I've seen Joe do needlepoint, make lovely bead bells and he makes a mean lasagna!
Joe wished he would of played professional baseball, he once got to pitch before the Pirate staff at Three Rivers. If he had made it, this little confirmation wouldn't be typed. We met after that summer dream fell flat. He never tried to make it in the minors after he met me. He is happy with what he got. (Pirates that is...I still irk him some days)
Joe doesn't always follow the game plan in finances. He opened a charge card two Christmas' ago to buy me an eternity pendant. I cried. It was the first Christmas gift between the two us for years. We had an agreement not to use charge cards, but for some reason that gift, on that Christmas Eve was perfect.
Joe is born Christmas Day. My name is Carol. hhhh...see where I am going with this...that makes me "Christmas Carol", too bad I can't sing a note in key.
Joe does love collecting Santas, Department 56 buildings and outdoor lighting stuff. I doubt Mark McGuire would spend a whole weekend planning, and organizing a front yard that glows a quarter mile away. Thank God for nice neighbors!
If Mr. McGuire does, bless his heart!
Joe wears his wedding ring on his middle finger. His ring finger got ripped off and sewn back on after a freak boating accident.
Joe was struck by lightening while golfing. You know the old saying lightening doesn't strike twice, well, one of his foursome got his second jolt that day. The bolt went to the cart and traveled through all four men. Each man had the burn marks to show. All walked away from it! Praise be to God!
Joe sometimes has a dirty mind...but only about me.
He chooses my company over the guys. Doesn't drink, well maybe one or two beers a month. Can't complain about that...so do I.
He doesn't dwell on stuff! Some guys have that gift! I'm getting better and better, learning from him.
Joe can't handle nagging...so I never perfected it! Another Thank God!
He hasn't time for fuss. So I have learned to accept myself as is. He still looks at me the way he did when I was 18! God, you do have me covered!
Finally, he isn't openly or should I say, verbally spiritual, that has it's bonuses. I have learned much from that fact about God's love and grace.
I realize we don't do together prayer time, except at dinner.
I realize many things about our relationship that don't fit the stereotype of a Christian marriage...yet I know for a fact that the things that have been expressed in moments of love, triumphs and trials could not have happened if God wasn't somehow, someway, blessing us because of the covenant we once made with Him.
So..."Ode To Joe" was the half-time theme of the first Penn State football game we attended. My oldest was 15 yrs. old, and on that day she made her decision to attend PSU, and only PSU. The 400+ Blue Band came on the field, turned their backs to the home side and started to play "Ode to Joy". Then with perfect timing they turned, and hit us with a sound that sent chills through us. We still talk about that day!
Now to my "Ode to Joe"
My Joe can get on my nerves like no one else. He knows exactly how to pull my strings and get a reaction. He doesn't do this to hurt me. I have come to learn through 27 years of marriage that God gave this man to teach the impossible child in me the discipline and the determination that she wasn't taking from Him. Joe had to take over a dual role when I was mentally unable. He has refused to do certain tasks in the past despite my pouting, forcing me to take them on against my willful self. Whether he is willing to openly admit it, I will for him. At times he was a better Mom than me!
Joe is a big guy! He's been told he resembles the likes of heavy hitter Mark McGuire and the lead singer from Metallica. He once scared a gentle older woman at a local nursery buying flowers. All he did was turn slightly to see who was standing next to him..."you want these", she panicked, handing him her planter. Obviously she didn't know what I knew. Joe has his sweet side. He gets more excited for seed catalogs than I do!
Joe thought he could design a living room decor unlike any other. I agreed to paint it Caribbean orange to please his decorative side, then two weeks before Christmas I hurriedly sponged on various shades to mask. It was still hideous! I still consult him on color options, but at least now he lets me do the final pick. That's the story behind the weird wall! Yet, Joe gets teary-eyed every time he watches Extreme Home Makeover!
(hhhh...eldest just came in room while typing...her story of the weird wall is we BOTH didn't listen to her advice first)
I've seen Joe do needlepoint, make lovely bead bells and he makes a mean lasagna!
Joe wished he would of played professional baseball, he once got to pitch before the Pirate staff at Three Rivers. If he had made it, this little confirmation wouldn't be typed. We met after that summer dream fell flat. He never tried to make it in the minors after he met me. He is happy with what he got. (Pirates that is...I still irk him some days)
Joe doesn't always follow the game plan in finances. He opened a charge card two Christmas' ago to buy me an eternity pendant. I cried. It was the first Christmas gift between the two us for years. We had an agreement not to use charge cards, but for some reason that gift, on that Christmas Eve was perfect.
Joe is born Christmas Day. My name is Carol. hhhh...see where I am going with this...that makes me "Christmas Carol", too bad I can't sing a note in key.
Joe does love collecting Santas, Department 56 buildings and outdoor lighting stuff. I doubt Mark McGuire would spend a whole weekend planning, and organizing a front yard that glows a quarter mile away. Thank God for nice neighbors!
If Mr. McGuire does, bless his heart!
Joe wears his wedding ring on his middle finger. His ring finger got ripped off and sewn back on after a freak boating accident.
Joe was struck by lightening while golfing. You know the old saying lightening doesn't strike twice, well, one of his foursome got his second jolt that day. The bolt went to the cart and traveled through all four men. Each man had the burn marks to show. All walked away from it! Praise be to God!
Joe sometimes has a dirty mind...but only about me.
He chooses my company over the guys. Doesn't drink, well maybe one or two beers a month. Can't complain about that...so do I.
He doesn't dwell on stuff! Some guys have that gift! I'm getting better and better, learning from him.
Joe can't handle nagging...so I never perfected it! Another Thank God!
He hasn't time for fuss. So I have learned to accept myself as is. He still looks at me the way he did when I was 18! God, you do have me covered!
Finally, he isn't openly or should I say, verbally spiritual, that has it's bonuses. I have learned much from that fact about God's love and grace.
I realize we don't do together prayer time, except at dinner.
I realize many things about our relationship that don't fit the stereotype of a Christian marriage...yet I know for a fact that the things that have been expressed in moments of love, triumphs and trials could not have happened if God wasn't somehow, someway, blessing us because of the covenant we once made with Him.
Time to spare
Since I am killing time this morning blogging before I get my little one up, I have chosen to share pics of pets!
This is Molly! She is 11 yrs old already. She was chosen at a shelter because she resembled a beloved cat named Angelo who had passed away at the age of 17. Molly is annoying me this morning. She is our grand dame of the house and currently holds dominance among the other two. She chooses who she shows love to and when. She loves me! She dislikes my oldest child the most! She can move our dog into shameful retreat just by casting her stare, with deep blackened eyes and head slightly forward and down. When she doesn't get what she wants, she jumps from object to object, rumbling deep from her throat...as she is now!
Next up is Hannah, our Miniature Schnauzer and Emmy the cat.
PS. The gross color of wall behind is gone! Terrible attempt! Just plain embarrassing! :)
Hannah, she is moody at times, will voice her displeasure if displaced from the furniture. She frightens easily yet challenges those much larger than herself. She's yippy. She adores my husband! Runs to the back door every time she hears "Daddy's home", even if she is sitting on "daddy's" lap. Can be sneaky...and don't mention the word hot dog. One thing they say never to do is feed your dog human food, well we should of taken that advice. Just at the mention of the word she goes into a panic of glorious anticipation!
Then there is Emmy...sweet, adorable Emmy. She is our "Nermal". Constantly loving, gets along with everyone and anyone, even Hannah. Brings us gifts, we find them lying outside our bedroom door in the morning or just inside the backdoor after returning from errands. Can actually catch a mouse, freakishly ferocious on the two occasions she has had in her short lifespan (3 years). She's petite, wants human contact constantly except when the house is full at holidays. Probably makes Molly jealous!
So why bother blogging about our animals...considering all the times they have done things to disrupt life...we always love and forgive. Hannah has had "accidents", coincidentally after not getting her way...and Molly has broken a few picture frames and nicknack's during her spells of defiance. Emmy....she just doesn't seem to ever do anything wrong!
Yea, they're just animals. I chose to give them human tendencies in this post.
I can choose to do many things...last night before sleep I talked in prayer of why I feel freer this past year than ever before. I am not choosing to do much of the things I did in my past, yet I am happier, more confident, more patient, more forgiving, more loving, especially to spouse and kids, and just more accepting of all circumstances I face.
I pray differently, giving Him more praise than requests. Lately my requests have been more for others than myself, I guess that is a great sign I am trusting more for the things I wish would change in our little foursome.
Strangest prayer request that has come to be...Molly had this disgusting growth on her back that fell off last week. I can not and will not say she was healed through prayer, but thanked Him anyways!
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Ouch...that's loud!
I love commercials...when I was 17 I was going to take Madison Avenue by storm! I wanted to produce, write and develop ad campaigns that would have people buzzing.
Since the Olympics started, Audi has this beautiful commercial that builds and builds both in style and in decibels. At least on my TV it does, I had to shout across the room to say something. Wow though, to have so much confidence in your product, to feel that your product is so much better than everyone else that the producers of that ad campaign felt they had the right to invade into our hearing.
Since we have satellite television, we do not watch local networks but the one available from NYC. Every night I have to sit and watch the commercial for a gospel concert. The intro has you witnessing the performers preparing, sweating and the maestro raising his baton in triumph. Oh how I wished we lived near a city sometimes!
So where is this going? A prayer.
To have the confidence of Audi.
To have the faith and trust in God to sweat it out for him.
To have this rising crescendo in life until the baton is raised in triumph over my life and praises sung!
Favorite commercial of all time: beer commercial
Domino effect of people collapsing one on top of each other until the line reaches its' destination. It marveled me then and still does in my mind, what can I say, it was wonderfully done. Different races, different social circles...one after another tumbling, laying gently on top of another and another until the desires of one are met. Somewhere in that an analogy can be made...but I dare not. Someday!!!
Amen!
Since the Olympics started, Audi has this beautiful commercial that builds and builds both in style and in decibels. At least on my TV it does, I had to shout across the room to say something. Wow though, to have so much confidence in your product, to feel that your product is so much better than everyone else that the producers of that ad campaign felt they had the right to invade into our hearing.
Since we have satellite television, we do not watch local networks but the one available from NYC. Every night I have to sit and watch the commercial for a gospel concert. The intro has you witnessing the performers preparing, sweating and the maestro raising his baton in triumph. Oh how I wished we lived near a city sometimes!
So where is this going? A prayer.
To have the confidence of Audi.
To have the faith and trust in God to sweat it out for him.
To have this rising crescendo in life until the baton is raised in triumph over my life and praises sung!
Favorite commercial of all time: beer commercial
Domino effect of people collapsing one on top of each other until the line reaches its' destination. It marveled me then and still does in my mind, what can I say, it was wonderfully done. Different races, different social circles...one after another tumbling, laying gently on top of another and another until the desires of one are met. Somewhere in that an analogy can be made...but I dare not. Someday!!!
Amen!
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Blessings!
Our family has been blessed!
Lets just do a recap...
** oldest has secured a half day contract to teach with benefits, possibility to earn further income on horizon doing a tutoring post!
** Extra income; overtime pay, unexpected financial gift from relative and yesterday a call declaring I won a contest including a small financial reward.
These are monetary blessings. Things we needed to keep afloat during the summer months when things are tight. Financial wizards we are not. Mistakes were made early in our marriage and we are still making up for opportunities lost. This summer it has been placed in my heart to reorganize and gather all things of importance through the years; pictures, kid's school projects, baseball cards, mementos of past events and place them in secure enclosure for safe keeping. All our lives God has kept a splendid wing of Grace upon us!
My bum is so sore today from climbing in and out of third floor attic! I'm learning still the importance of being diligent in spending habits, organizing files, and creating new ways to manage the business side of our life together.
After the call came yesterday afternoon from the contest promoter, after I did my happy dance and thanked God Almighty, I found myself dwelling on His love and a quiet gentle fear came over me. The ball is in my court to announce properly how His glory should be revered in all this. I don't want to mess this up!
I don't want to expound on the trials I have been through and the fears I have held onto for too long.
All I want is for Him to glow brightly through this!
Part of the beautiful Psalm 118...
118:19
Open to me the gates of righteousness: I will go into them, and I will praise the Lord.
Gates are open; to witness, to speak more gently to God and others, to share and to love and forgive.
Lets just do a recap...
** oldest has secured a half day contract to teach with benefits, possibility to earn further income on horizon doing a tutoring post!
** Extra income; overtime pay, unexpected financial gift from relative and yesterday a call declaring I won a contest including a small financial reward.
These are monetary blessings. Things we needed to keep afloat during the summer months when things are tight. Financial wizards we are not. Mistakes were made early in our marriage and we are still making up for opportunities lost. This summer it has been placed in my heart to reorganize and gather all things of importance through the years; pictures, kid's school projects, baseball cards, mementos of past events and place them in secure enclosure for safe keeping. All our lives God has kept a splendid wing of Grace upon us!
My bum is so sore today from climbing in and out of third floor attic! I'm learning still the importance of being diligent in spending habits, organizing files, and creating new ways to manage the business side of our life together.
After the call came yesterday afternoon from the contest promoter, after I did my happy dance and thanked God Almighty, I found myself dwelling on His love and a quiet gentle fear came over me. The ball is in my court to announce properly how His glory should be revered in all this. I don't want to mess this up!
I don't want to expound on the trials I have been through and the fears I have held onto for too long.
All I want is for Him to glow brightly through this!
Part of the beautiful Psalm 118...
118:19
Open to me the gates of righteousness: I will go into them, and I will praise the Lord.
Gates are open; to witness, to speak more gently to God and others, to share and to love and forgive.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Fair
The county fair...food...glorious fair food! No dieting for me yesterday...I was celebrating my release from PMS, my family took 5 blue ribbons, 1 second place, and 2 fourth place ribbons!
More good news...my oldest daughter seems (praying) to have a half-day position granted to her for teaching at a local high school. All she needs is that final call back from the Assistant Principal but he is in meetings today. He had called last week and said he would hold it until she got news from her last interview. This morning she found out. She was disappointed to know she was overlooked again for a full-time opening, I told her this is a blessing for reasons God will disclose at a later date. A lesson even I have trouble swallowing at times about my own endeavors.
back to the fair....
Coincidentally, we had the friendliest conversation with a lovely couple. They wanted to know why my husband was wearing a Penn State shirt...we mentioned our daughter sitting next to us just graduated. "Congratulations" they offered up then asked her what she majored in. After she told them secondary ed. in math and found out she wasn't sure of employment they said don't give up hope, someone they know just got hired at _____.
I burst out laughing...we finally found out who got hired for a position she didn't get placed in. It seemed so funny because I had a feeling this certain individual would get it since he was a semester ahead of her and already placed in the system as a substitute and had proven himself worthy. I know this because her younger sister had him this past spring. Could it be my oldest needed to be a little humbled...God knows...at least now she is more determined than ever to prove herself!
Anyways they were a beautiful example of witnessing to complete strangers...they spoke of the power of prayer when it came to buying their latest car, the car salesman's son got the job my daughter was hoping for originally (hehehe). They encouraged her to pray for guidance in her job quest. They were so sweet...I just loved listening to them. I repeat...a beautiful example of showing God's love!
PS...best one-liner comeback
My husband's...we were approached by an over-exuberant carnival worker, actually he jumped out in front of my husband.
"Hey buddy, you know everyone who has on a Penn State shirt wins at my game!"
"Oh, I'll cut you a break then"
He was so speechless, both men laughed. Glad he took it so well...prayers to all "carnies", it's gotta be rough.
More good news...my oldest daughter seems (praying) to have a half-day position granted to her for teaching at a local high school. All she needs is that final call back from the Assistant Principal but he is in meetings today. He had called last week and said he would hold it until she got news from her last interview. This morning she found out. She was disappointed to know she was overlooked again for a full-time opening, I told her this is a blessing for reasons God will disclose at a later date. A lesson even I have trouble swallowing at times about my own endeavors.
back to the fair....
Coincidentally, we had the friendliest conversation with a lovely couple. They wanted to know why my husband was wearing a Penn State shirt...we mentioned our daughter sitting next to us just graduated. "Congratulations" they offered up then asked her what she majored in. After she told them secondary ed. in math and found out she wasn't sure of employment they said don't give up hope, someone they know just got hired at _____.
I burst out laughing...we finally found out who got hired for a position she didn't get placed in. It seemed so funny because I had a feeling this certain individual would get it since he was a semester ahead of her and already placed in the system as a substitute and had proven himself worthy. I know this because her younger sister had him this past spring. Could it be my oldest needed to be a little humbled...God knows...at least now she is more determined than ever to prove herself!
Anyways they were a beautiful example of witnessing to complete strangers...they spoke of the power of prayer when it came to buying their latest car, the car salesman's son got the job my daughter was hoping for originally (hehehe). They encouraged her to pray for guidance in her job quest. They were so sweet...I just loved listening to them. I repeat...a beautiful example of showing God's love!
PS...best one-liner comeback
My husband's...we were approached by an over-exuberant carnival worker, actually he jumped out in front of my husband.
"Hey buddy, you know everyone who has on a Penn State shirt wins at my game!"
"Oh, I'll cut you a break then"
He was so speechless, both men laughed. Glad he took it so well...prayers to all "carnies", it's gotta be rough.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Arghhh!
That was me three hours ago. Three loaves of zucchini bread and a pan of corn bread later, I am happy. Tomorrow I will travel with my two lovelies to the county fair to enter their projects. All I saw at first was the mess my littlest one was making in the kitchen and the unfinished photo project my oldest was completing. Then at the strike of midnight, as my husband was leaving for a late-night call out, the girls hit their beds, and the sweet smells of fresh baked yummies have filled our house...the ugly in me floated away.
I believe it did some good to get grumpy tonight.
I saw that my family was not the least little bit distracted or discouraged by my
self-absorbed anxiety of wanting to see things done with a deadline approaching.
They poked fun of me.
That is good.
I'm sure they will poke more fun of me tomorrow.
I believe it did some good to get grumpy tonight.
I saw that my family was not the least little bit distracted or discouraged by my
self-absorbed anxiety of wanting to see things done with a deadline approaching.
They poked fun of me.
That is good.
I'm sure they will poke more fun of me tomorrow.
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